Defeathering The Peacock 22:39 Nov 19 2009
Times Read: 655
I know the heart of darkness. I've delved into the spirits of solitude and hate, and I know how much the fragile mortal heart can take before finally giving in. I know the aftermath, the numbness of being full of shadow to the point no one can see it, to master it, to keep a smiling face, an honest laugh on the outside, and knowing these gestures only scratch the surface.
I pick up my pen, and write verse after verse of dark requiems of my imagination and dreams. I do this of my own free will. I have nothing to regret, nothing out of the pages of my past to fear, worship, love, or hate. Yet, I'm full of this darkness. Why?
I know why. I chose to be this way. I chose to let the dark feelings creep within me. I sacrificed myself for inner knowledge, to see the full edge of the human spectrum. I've spent my childhood encased in a brilliant beam of light which governed and protected me. I wanted to feel more, I wanted to see the rest of the world, feel it. I wanted to know the world inside, and outside.
I tapped into the feelings that is said to be present in every human being alive. Anger, hate, jealousy, etc... the dark matter of the human psyche. Before long, the feelings began to reach deep inside me, and I stopped. I was too young to really know what I was getting myself into. After a few years, I found the small taint I received as a child grows. I was no genius, no master of the human mind to know anything of the matter. Before long, hate and anger grew within me, and I realized that I could fight it, and suffer, or delve deeper into myself, and know the full capacity of the human mind.
So I did, and became who I am today. I know little anger, little hate. I know the capacity of the killer instinct of every human being, perhaps even how to bring it out... but I've never been able to really know that. I know my limits, with it, I was able to form my values, my loves, my hates.
So with this, I delve the secrets of my darkness, why I can give writings, and appreciate writings that aren't tainted with a light heart, and thrown into the chasms of mediocrity.
As a child, I knew only the innocent pleasures in life. I didn't know much of hate or anger, and discrimination was hidden from me. I was happy. I was happy, and dissatisfied. For I knew at an early age that an ignorant existence is an empty existence.
I withdrew from the journey I had set out to do before. Because of the feelings I had achieved, for no reason, over shadows that were never really there. I saw no reason to go on. I carried on for a few years as a child like any other, there was nothing special about me. I knew to a small extent my new feelings, but they didn't much worry me.
As I went on, my darker feelings sent chills through me, it began on very rare occasions, and then it became more and more frequent, until not feeling them was a rarity. I knew perfectly well what I had done to myself, and was not ready to turn back. During my years of growing up, I had a lot of time to myself. It had become apparent to me that these people I had come to know wouldn't accept me as their own, so I kept to myself. I entered myself to uncover the other side of myself, the darker influences that tread through mine and every other human soul alive. I came out changed.
A curtain of light had been replaced by a curtain of darkness. I saw only the darkest in everything, and it tore me apart. I had known only anger, and I was more than ready to give it up. I consulted a place which had held my life in the perfect happiness for so long. The church. Hopefully, they could right the wrongs I had committed unto myself. In the end, I abandoned the church. It did nothing for me anymore, but only to remind me of the ignorance that once held my life in hollow bliss.
I was searching for a way to express the anger, the hate, the darkness, and be not rid of it, but at least give a place in my soul for light. I met many people during this time, all of which knew nothing of this. The awakening, in particular, showed me the medium which began my recovery. It had begun a phase in me which continues today. I can become the woman of light, shrouded in darkness though her deepest emotions found in a strangled peacock. When I broke free of darkness and light, I had seen, felt, been much more than I had ever anticipated.
The veil of light and shadow had been lifted from my eyes, and I was able to see every side of the spectrum, the joy and the sorrow, the love and the hate, life and death. I had sold my soul for knowledge, and gotten what I paid for.
Today, I know who I am, and I now walk around the streets, the world, with no shame in my shoulders, because I had seen both sides of the world, and knew I belonged in neither. I am my own mistress, and neither God nor Satan has a say in it. I swear allegiance to no one but those very real people whom have touched, and continue to touch my life. That is who I am, and I don’t regret doing what I did to find that out.
Peacock. What a vainglorious animal... a beautiful, rich, prosperous, and vainglorious animal... How ironic.
COMMENTS
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LordWolf
03:38 Nov 26 2009
such solid rising emotion....
the cause was bad, true, but to pull that sort of raw passion out of it might be a blessing....
apply it to your music. if you write, apply it to that.
it will give you power, and take the power away from the one that hurt you.
~W~
Angelus
00:36 Nov 29 2009
I empathise with every line uttered.